the whole story...

Some of you know the whole story of our short-lived pregnancy, but most of you only know what I shared on Facebook. There is a lot more to story and week leading up to Christmas. I'm choosing to share the whole story...

On Sunday before Christmas I received a friend request from one of my friends from high school. I thought she had deleted her account and was just starting over. I didn't think much of it. I usually put my phone on silent on Sundays because I work, and I often forget to turn it back on. I happened to be home alone that day because Brenton had stayed at his parents house with his brother who was in town for a short time. My friend Leah came over to keep me company and when she got to our house she told me someone had shared on Facebook that we were pregnant. Taken aback I went on and deleted the comment. I sent my friend a message confirming we were pregnant but not to share the information because we hadn't told all of our family yet, specifically my dad and brother. Almost immediately after I sent this message, this person (who I now knew was not actually my friend from high school but rather someone pretending to be her) posted again on my wall that we were pregnant. I blocked this person and thought that was the end of it.

On Monday I had to be at the Orpheum to set up for our Christmas Eve service. Around noon my cousin Sean sent me a text message telling me that someone had created a Facebook account pretending to be me, found all of my cousins on my dad's side, and was chatting them about the fact we were pregnant. My dad does not have a Facebook and my brother had just deleted his, so I am convinced this persons next attempt at getting to my dad before we could was finding my family. Sean told me he marked the account as fake and sent this person a message. I couldn't find the account when I searched for it, so either they deleted it or Facebook did. I was sitting at the Orpheum, fuming and confused why someone was so obsessed with us being pregnant, I decided to call my dad and tell him we were pregnant and what someone was attempting to accomplish. He informed me he had not heard it from anyone else. At that point this random person lost their power. When I got home I decided to share a blog post I had been holding on to and waiting to share until after New Years. That way, our family and every other person knew we were pregnant. It was over. This person could no longer attempt to ruin something we had waited so long for.

Tuesday (Christmas Eve) I was supposed to be back at the Orpheum at noon to set up and help backstage during the programs. I experienced some light bleeding and cramping that morning and decided to call my doctor. She told me it wasn't anything to be concerned about until the bleeding got heavier or the cramps got worse. She told me to get off of my feet, that I had probably just overdone it, and not to lift anything more than 10 pounds. Brenton's family was at our house so they hardly let me leave the couch. I ended up just going with our family to the service instead of being backstage. When we got home the bleeding had gotten worse and Brenton's mom, who had experienced a miscarriage herself, encouraged us to go to the ER. When we got there, the ER doctor said he wanted to just send us home; that bleeding can be totally normal and that 9 out of 10 times its nothing to worry about. There is a huge increase of blood flow to that area and any strain can cause bleeding. He could tell we were concerned so he proceeded with blood work and an ultrasound. After about 2 hours in the ER, the doctor came in with a somber look on his face. He told us we had miscarried because my hormone levels had dropped and they couldn't find a fetal heartbeat. At that point Brenton and I looked at each other and cried until we were out of breath. The ER doctor was so nice. He told us we seemed like adorable people and that it would eventually happen for us. He told us he wanted to cry when he read the results. He said he was going to call the OBGYN on call and consult with her. He came back in the room about 20 minutes later with a different look on his face. He said that the radiologist they had sent the ultrasound results to were known for over-predicting results and that there could be more going on. The OB said that there are many reasons for the result... like twins. I had some more blood work done and we were discharged. We left feeling exhausted, confused, and beat up. We were told not to go into mourning yet because it could mean we didn't loose the baby. I had an appointment scheduled for a couple days later to meet with this OBGYN.

On Thursday I went to the doctor and she did another ultrasound. She told me my progesterone levels had dropped to 5. You need at least 20 to sustain a pregnancy. She told me I experienced something called a Blighted Ovum. A women's DNA is supposed to split when an egg is formed. A blighted ovum can be when the DNA doesn't split and a women's body sends an empty egg. That egg can still be fertilized, attach to the uterine lining, create a sac, positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, the whole 9 yards. There is just no baby. Usually when you are pregnant, during the ultrasound there is a tiny solid dot. In both of my ultrasounds, they couldn't find any sort of dot. My doctor told me that this is just a rare chance and that I shouldn't have to experience this again. 1 of every 5 pregnancy end in miscarriage, and I have had a ton of women reach out to me and share their stories of heartbreak as well.

I was scheduled for a D&C that next day. I had short surgery to remove the remains of the pregnancy. They put me completely under for this so for the rest of the day I was pretty out of it. We left for Des Moines that same day, but the pain meds knocked me out for the whole drive. It was actually a really relaxing weekend with lots of rest and family.

I feel ok now. It is helping us to move on knowing that we didn't loose a baby, just a pregnancy. My doctor seems to feel confident that we will be pregnant again shortly, and that this miscarriage had nothing to do with me/Brenton. I hope she is right. The huge bummer in this is that we hadn't planned on sharing any of this information until after New Years. This all happened before we even made it to New Years. This would have been something we would have experience privately and only with our family and close friends. But because someone thought they should share this information on our behalf, it is now public information. 

I have had some time to reflect on this. I could be mad. I could stay mad. But I'm choosing not too. I don't know who this person is, but I just want to say that I forgive you. You must have experienced something painful that made you lash out and take it out on me. I'm not sure if it was a game or an attempt to hurt us, but its ok. I have a joy which comes from Jesus that no circumstance or person can take away from me. I hope that you can find that same peace and joy someday and heal from whatever hurt you. I'm not sure if we will ever find out who you are, or why you did what you did, but if we do, I will welcome you with warmth and grace.

We are moving forward and still choosing to cling to one another. Brenton and I have never felt stronger as a couple and have a trust and peace that we will eventually be parents. But for now, its just us and the dogs! I want to say thank you again to all of you who showed excitement for us when we were pregnant and to those of you who sent their prayers and thoughts when we miscarried. Also, thank you to all the women who sent me emails and messages sharing your stories. There isn't much to say, but it helps to know your not the only one experiencing the pain. We love you all!!

1 comment:

  1. Hey Sarah, I think that it's great that you are sharing this while it may be hard but you want to share your knowledge and experiences about life. Heather is an Author friend of mine whom I just connected with a few months back, she shared a very heartfelt post about what was going on in life and also brought back some truly hard memories about her son Tyler, http://heatherhildenbrand.blogspot.com/2011/12/tyler-andrew.html and another post two years later remembering Tyler Always.
    take the time to read it, her story about her son was heart-wrenching, life in every moment precious


Berger & Co.. All rights reserved. BLOG DESIGN BY Labinastudio.